Is He Into You?

The subtleties of flirting allow us to have quite a bit of romantic activity locked away in our imagination. One conversation with a guy goes well and we suddenly get ahead of ourselves. Your imagination can allow you to believe that a nice talk with a good guy is leading to something. But he might not even recall talking to you! He might not have even really been flirting. The signals can be so vague sometimes, you are already thinking about where a good date should be and he is thinking about what his favorite team is doing to become a contender this season.

No matter how successful the flirty little conversation was, he is not thinking about you like you are thinking about him. Or is he? How can you tell?

Men are told time and again not to be overt: don’t pursue too heavily or it will be a brutish come-on, don’t flirt too overtly either, as it is implies you are only after sex. In the quest to master being polite, many men have a style of chatting aimlessly with women that appears to be well designed and enjoyable flirting. Through no fault of their own, men these days are turning on women without any intentions. He is just not thinking about you like you are thinking about him.

Even if a conversation leads to a date, don’t be surprised if Mister Smooth is just going through the motions to be polite. One way to tell if a first date is more than casual is to try to hold his hand as you two walk. If he does not try to kiss you later on after this overt yet sweetly innocent gesture, he is just not thinking about you like you are thinking about him.

If you two run in the same circle of friends and he is always looking you in the eye and chatting about his single life to you, don’t assume he is dropping hints about you two getting married just yet. Find out first if he is truly available and actually into women. Then see where the conversations go. It might not be like being back in high school trying to get him to pay attention to you, but it will often be just as difficult these days to get him to make the first move. Again, the politeness bug has tempered many a masculine man’s urge to growl like a caveman and plant that first kiss before asking too many questions.

Some Flirting Don’ts:

Don’t dress too slutty

If he is thinking that way about you, he has already used his imagination and wants to find out what is all there on his own. Don’t give away the plot to your body’s story.

Don’t whine about men

If he is on the fence about making his masculine moves, whining about men in any context – even complaining about them not making moves – is like bug spray too keep away all men. If complaining partners is the number one reason why men leave their relationships, then complaining potential lovers is high on the list of why men do not make the move at the right time.

Don’t discuss your psychic

A lot of men are socialized to ignore their natural psychic powers and dismiss sixth sense sensations as superstition and illusion. Your relationship with your psychic does not need to enter into a conversation about you and him. He might think you are a little out of his league and you might think he is too close-minded, so save the talk of the supernatural until after he has provided the two of you with some superphysical activities.

Don’t avoid the topic

One popular motivator these days is for women to discuss how their friends say their men made the first move. If this topic is on his mind, you will either have the move made soon thereafter or know that he is just not thinking about you like you are thinking about him.

Some Flirting Dos:

Do be understanding

Look, he is a nice guy who thinks you are great, but not in that way. Take the compliment over feeling the rejection. Staying as a casual acquaintance has its advantages. Perhaps he knows other available men. Perhaps he knows where the good guys in town all hang out.

Do move on

When a guy has done nothing wrong and you are left with some dashed expectations, it is time to just shake off the experience as a miscommunication and move on. These experiences also serve as rehearsals for the real thing, so they are of value in the long run – they keep you sharp!

Beyond the Do and Don’t checklists are three simple things to ask a man to see if he is a flirt with intentions or a nice guy chatting with you instead of looking at the wall.

Question 1: “How long have you been single?”

This cuts from flirting straight into assessing his date-ability. It puts him on notice that he better have a solid history. This is the background check that might make him sweat, but forces him to show he is ready to date you or to back off.

Question 2: “What did she look like?”

This gives you the chance to observe whether he wistfully misses her. It reveals his critical nature, his fairness, shows you how coy he can be and might even show if there is any latent misogyny underneath that pleasant personality.

Question 3: “Can you get me another drink?”

You are putting him in the position to fetch you something and to return for more. If he is not thinking about you like you are thinking about him, he will get that drink and hand it to you as he says “Nice meeting you.” If he stays, he is thinking like you do.