Understanding Anxious Attachment: Signs, Causes, and Healing Strategies

Anxious attachment is a psychological term used to describe a set of behaviors of people who didn’t receive the reassurance and emotional support they needed from their caregivers growing up.

This insecure attachment style often comes with lots of relationship insecurity, making it hard to trust others. This article will teach you how to self-soothe anxious attachment issues.

What is Anxious Attachment?

Think you or someone you know may have an anxious attachment style? It commonly shows up as jealousy or fear of abandonment in relationships.

Anxiously attached people have a hard time feeling secure in their relationships. Those who are afraid of their emotions and exhibit avoidant attachment may find it challenging to engage in healthy relationships.

People with an avoidant attachment style often struggle to connect deeply in relationships. They may become anxious or overly communicative when away from their partner. They may be clingy, need constant reassurance, and lack boundaries.

The most common signs are:

A deep yearning for intimacy with another
Are afraid of their emotions and intimacy
Are hyper-vigilant to what they perceive as emotional unavailability
Become anxious or overly communicative when away from their partner
Disregard other people’s feelings
Engage in stalking
Fear of abandonment or rejection
Have a hyper-fixation on a person
Inability to trust others
Low self-esteem
Display separation anxiety and clinginess

It’s important to remember that just because people have anxious attachment doesn’t make them wrong in their feelings—they just have different emotional needs than other attachment styles.

What Causes Anxious Attachment?

An anxious attachment can form from growing up with an inconsistent parenting style. This inconsistency creates a lack of trust in others and the anxiously attached have a hard time feeling emotionally safe in their relationships as they have not mastered feeling emotionally safe within themselves.

Anxious attachment can be formed from:

A caregiver with depression or anxiety
Early separation from parents
Inconsistency in parenting and emotional response
Inexperienced parenting
A long period of hospitalization
Neglect
Trauma

How to Move from Anxious Attachment to Secure

The first step to breaking your anxious habits is to be aware of them. Speak with a licensed therapist who can help you identify patterns and teach you healthy self-soothing techniques to overcome anxiety in relationships.

The second thing you can do is take a closer look at your intimate relationships and evaluate whether they are showing you consistency and security. Choose partners with a secure attachment style who can help you become more secure. They will provide more emotional safety than other attachment styles, as well as improve co-dependency patterns in romantic relationships.

Some tips on helping you move from an anxious attachment style to secure include:

Practice not taking things personally
Work on being more assertive
Learn to identify your emotional needs and speak up clearly and compassionately
Be direct. Don’t play games
Be less reactive. Identify when you are feeling triggered and try to discern what causes it rather than reacting
Read and watch material on how to self-soothe and self-regulate your emotions
Improve your self-care
Engage in healthy conflict resolution rather than avoiding speaking up about what’s bothering you or running away from criticism
Approach any problems in a relationship as we vs. the problem
Learn to slow down the dating process and manage your expectations

With self-awareness, secure connections, and therapy you can soothe your anxious attachment. Anyone can move into a secure attachment style with the right support and understanding of attachment theory.

Moving into a secure attachment style means that you have empathy for others, but you set strong boundaries.

When you are operating in secure attachment, your relationships are healthy. You feel secure and safe to express your needs and to give and receive support freely.

Practical Ways to Self-Soothe Your Anxious Attachment

Someone with an anxious attachment often faces intense emotions that can feel overwhelming. Learning ways to self-soothe is essential for creating a healthier relationship with yourself and others. Here are proven techniques to calm your nervous system and build emotional stability.

Identifying Your Emotional Triggers

People with anxious attachment styles commonly experience specific situations that activate their attachment anxiety. Being aware of these triggers is the first step to healing attachment wounds. Common triggers of insecure attachment include:

Delayed responses to messages
Changes in your partner’s usual behavior
Time spent apart
Unclear plans or communication
Perceived emotional distance

Understanding your personal triggers helps you respond thoughtfully rather than react automatically. Consider keeping a journal to track when you’re feeling anxious and what preceded those feelings.

Tools to Calm Your Nervous System

When attachment anxiety rises, these techniques can help you regulate your emotions and feel more secure:The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Method

Notice 5 things you can see
Feel 4 things you can touch
Listen for 3 sounds around you
Identify 2 things you can smell
Focus on 1 thing you can taste

This exercise brings you to the present moment without judgment and helps to calm overwhelming emotions.Breathing for Balance

Try this simple breathing pattern when you need to self-soothe your anxious attachment:

Breathe in for 4 counts
Hold for 4 counts
Exhale for 6 counts
Repeat 5-10 times

Body-Based Calming

Physical movement can help to regulate your nervous system when struggling with anxious attachment:

Gentle stretching
Walking meditation
Progressive muscle relaxation
Light exercise
Yoga or tai chi

Building Long-Term Emotional Resilience

Someone with a secure attachment knows how to maintain emotional balance independently.

Replacing the negative thought patterns with more affirming ones is a matter of habit-building – consistent practices that you apply over time. Here are a few you can try to reframe your anxieties around relationships:

Create a daily meditation routine
Maintain a gratitude journal
Develop fulfilling hobbies
Set small, achievable goals
Practice positive self-talk

Healthy Communication Strategies

When dealing with anxious attachment, clear communication about needs and feelings is really important to avoid a disorganized attachment style. Try these approaches based on attachment theory:

Express needs directly: “I feel uncertain when plans are unclear. Could we set a specific time?”
Share feelings without blame: “I notice I’m feeling anxious. Can we talk about what I’m experiencing?”
Practice self-validation: “My feelings are valid, even if they feel intense right now.”

Professional Support for Deeper Healing

While self-soothing techniques are valuable, therapy or counseling can provide additional support. A therapist can help you:

Understand your early relationships with caregivers
Process attachment wounds
Learn new ways to cope
Work towards healing your anxious attachment style
Adopt a more secure attachment pattern

Remember, healing takes time. As you practice these techniques to calm your nervous system, you’ll gradually become more able to self-soothe and maintain emotional balance in your relationships.

Connect with others who understand your journey through support groups or community forums. Sharing experiences with people on similar paths can provide validation and hope.

As you work towards healing, celebrate your progress. Moving from an anxious attachment style to a more secure one is profound work that transforms not only your relationships with others but also your relationship with yourself.

Healing Attachment Wounds from Childhood

Your early relationships with caregivers create patterns that can affect your relationships as an adult. If you’re struggling with anxious attachment, understanding these childhood connections opens the door to deeper healing and more fulfilling relationships.

Attachment wounds often develop when childhood needs for safety, consistency, and emotional support weren’t fully met. This doesn’t mean your caregivers were bad people – they may have faced their own challenges or had different attachment styles themselves. What matters now is recognizing how these early experiences shaped your current relationship patterns.

Steps to Heal Your Anxious Attachment Style

Start by examining the beliefs you formed about yourself and relationships during childhood. Common thoughts might include:

“I’m not worthy of consistent love”
“People always leave eventually”
“I need to work harder to keep people close”

Challenge these thoughts by creating new, healing narratives:

“I deserve care and consideration”
“I can trust my feelings and needs”
“I am worthy of stable, secure relationships”

Creating Emotional Safety

People with anxious attachment styles need to establish a foundation of inner security to overcome their insecure attachment style. Try these approaches:

Build daily routines that honor your needs
Create a peaceful space in your home for self-reflection
Practice setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
Surround yourself with people who respect your growth journey

Using Mindfulness to Heal

Mindfulness can help you stay present when attachment anxiety rises. Consider these practices to self-soothe and manage anxious attachment triggers:

Morning meditation to center yourself
Body awareness exercises to release stored tension
Breathing techniques for emotional regulation
Visualization of a safe, peaceful place

Dealing with Communication Gaps in Relationships

For someone with an anxious attachment style, communication in relationships serves as a vital lifeline. Romantic relationships can help you learn how to self-soothe anxious feelings.

When messages go unanswered or responses feel distant, it can trigger deep feelings of uncertainty and fear. Understanding how to handle these gaps with grace can help you maintain emotional balance and build stronger connections.

Why Communication Gaps Feel So Significant

People with anxious attachment styles often experience intense reactions to changes in communication patterns. Something as simple as a delayed response or a shorter-than-usual message can feel threatening to their sense of security. Common triggers include:

Longer gaps between messages than usual
Brief or ambiguous responses
Cancelled plans without a clear explanation
Shifts in communication tone or frequency

Open communication and boundary-setting with your partner can help you work through these gaps and create a stronger relationship together.Setting Clear Expectations

Open dialogue about communication needs helps both partners understand each other better. Try expressing your needs clearly:

“I notice I feel more connected when we check in regularly. Could we talk about finding a rhythm that works for both of us?”

Remember that different attachment styles may have different communication preferences. Someone with a secure attachment might need less frequent contact to feel stable in the relationship.Challenging Negative Assumptions

When struggling with anxious attachment, it’s easy to jump to worst-case scenarios during communication lulls. Practice reframing these thoughts:

Instead of: “They’re pulling away from me” Try: “They might be busy with work or family”

Instead of: “They don’t care about me anymore” Try: “They care about me even when we’re not in constant contact”Building Independence During Quiet Times

Use communication gaps as opportunities to practice self-soothing:

Engage in a favorite hobby
Connect with friends or family
Practice mindfulness exercises
Focus on personal goals
Write in a journal about your feelings

Addressing Communication Concerns

When you need to discuss communication issues with your partner, approach the conversation with openness and care:

Express your feelings without blame: “I feel uncertain when our communication patterns change”
Share your needs clearly: “Regular check-ins help me feel secure in our connection”
Listen to your partner’s perspective: “I’d like to understand your communication style better”

Remember, healing your anxious attachment style takes time. Each step toward more secure communication patterns strengthens your relationship and personal growth.

Transform Your Relationships Today

Your journey toward secure attachment is unique and valuable. While self-soothing techniques can help you manage anxious attachment patterns, sometimes you need personalized guidance to navigate relationship challenges.

Keen’s experienced love and relationship advisors can help you understand your attachment style, heal past wounds, and build more secure connections. Connect with a relationship advisor today for clarity and support on your path to relationship harmony.