You see it time and again. Just as often as you see a wonderful woman dating a creep, there’s a great guy—attractive, responsible, respectable, employed, courteous, and a host of other great attributes—hooked up with a woman who treats him shabbily. She walks all over him. Belittles him in public. Takes, takes, takes, and never really gives. If it’s happening to a friend or a family member, rather than run the risk of ruining your relationship with your best bud or your big bro, you probably steer clear of attempting to dissuade him from continuing the romance in hopes it will run its course.
But what if you’re the one who has been dating a steady string of Ms. Wrongs? You think she’s perfect when you meet, but in just a little while, her true personality emerges, and you’re left having to extricate yourself from yet another messy emotional entanglement. If your romantic radar is seriously on the fritz, there are several reasons that might be to blame. If your love life isn’t bringing you happiness, maybe one of the following factors is contributing to your poor decision making when it comes to choosing the appropriate partner.
Commitment Phobia
Some guys subconsciously seek out inappropriate partners because it gives them an out. As much as they protest they’re looking for love and long-term romance, the reality is, they’re terrified of being tied down. Why? It often boils down to fear of boredom, or the feeling they may be missing out on someone that might actually be “a better catch.”
What You Can Do To Change
If you view a relationship as something static, that once achieved, isn’t going to change, you’re dooming yourself to failure. Healthy relationships grow and evolve, and like a shark, must constantly move forward in order to remain vital and alive.
That said, not even the best relationship is going to be perfect all the time. Are you going to be bored once in awhile? Yes. And she’s going to be bored with you, as well. But rather than allowing yourself to fall into a romance-scuttling rut, you can learn to recognize the signs of ennui and shift direction. It doesn’t have to be something crazy. Even a subtle change can get you back on course.
And about “missing out?” If you start dating women who are a good match intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, what could you possibly be missing out on?
Beauty as the Beast
Is the media to blame for your poor romantic choices? Partly. Advertising, the Internet, and the cult of celebrity have created a feminine ideal that is as highly appealing as it is virtually unattainable. More and more often, gorgeous women with toxic personalities are seen as the “it girls” of their generation. Physical flaws are erased, while emotional shortcomings are glamorized.
What You Can Do To Change
While there’s no quick fix for this, there’s such a thing as too much media. Turn off your devices and reconnect with your moral compass. Think about how you truly want to be treated, as a living, breathing, feeling, thinking human being. It’s fine to be the hero in your own story, but the most authentic and fulfilling lives are lived as non-fiction. Meet with women in the real world. Have a face-to-face discussion. You may learn that a truly beautiful woman is one who’s a lot more satisfying to the soul than all that hype you’ve been ingesting.
You Want What You Can’t Have
While the thrill of the chase may or may not be part of our DNA, men historically love a challenge. As a result, women who refuse to invest emotionally, or withhold physical or emotional affection as a tool to manipulate their lovers into doing what they want, can become an obsession. Like a gambling addict running a losing streak, men often date such women long after there’s any hope of breaking even, much less coming out ahead.
What You Can Do To Change
The first thing you can try to do is to accept the fact that women are not trophies, they are people, and not all people are nice. No matter how beautiful or accomplished a woman may be, it’s no excuse for letting her treat you like dirt under her feet. The next time you find yourself falling for someone who does not reciprocate your feelings, step back and take a look at what you think it is that makes her so perfect. Is she really all that and a bag of chips?
Now consider the ways in which she doesn’t meet your needs—or worse, treats you with disrespect. Does a little voice in your head start making excuses for her bad behavior? That’s a sure sign she’s not the one. Turn up the volume on your common sense to drown out that misguided little voice, and move on to someone who can truly appreciate you.
Mommy Not So Dearest
It’s fairly normal for those who grow up in a dysfunctional family to subconsciously recreate the unhealthy relationships of their parental role models in order to attempt to heal the psychological wounds, negligence, or abuse they suffered as children. In the best of all possible worlds, every child would get the love and care he or she needs and deserves, but that just isn’t the case. Men who grew up with distant, cruel, or even abusive mothers often continue to seek out love from inappropriate or emotionally unavailable women to fill a hole in their hearts left there by an unloving mom.
What You Can Do To Change
People tend to idolize their parents. As a result, the hardest thing many of us must do is to accept that our parents are only people, and all people have their limitations. Another thing that many find difficult to understand is that as a child, you had no control over your parents’ relationships, with each other, or with you.
The first step in moving forward is to admit that your while your mom may have been incapable of showering you with affection, you do deserve to be loved. Reaching that conclusion may take help. There’s nothing shameful about seeking out some sound counseling to guide you to make healthier love choices in the future.
Sexual Double Standard
Contrary to popular opinion, women aren’t always looking for Mr. Right. In fact, sometimes, “Mr. Right Now” is as far as they want to go. Historically, it was usually women who believed that sleeping with a man would lead to a committed relationship and was associated with love—and it was women who were disappointed and heartbroken. These days, the table turns both ways: women might also not be in “relationship-seeking mode,” and can be just as interested in the release and pleasure afforded by a quick physical hook-up as a man might be.
What You Can Do To Change
Women can and do enjoy sex without commitment. If you keep getting your signals crossed, confusing love and lust, you may have to update your romantic radar to include girls who “just wanna have fun.” How? By learning to pay attention to what they’re actually telling you, rather than what you want to hear. Just as no really does mean no, when a woman says, “I’m not interested in a relationship, but I’d love to hook up,” chances are, she’s telling the truth.
Whatever the reason for ending up in a lopsided relationship, there’s no reason to have to stay in one. Take your newfound understanding, and move forward, knowing that with the right intent and perspective, Ms. Right will find her way into your life.
If a series of failed romances has led you to think you’ll never find a woman to love, a KEEN love advisor can help you change the pattern and find a happier outcome for your heart.
