You've begged, pleaded and bargained with God to please bring him back. You've sworn that you will be a better person and appreciate him more. You just know that this person holds the key to unlock the door to happiness for you. Without him, you're nothing. You're miserable and you're lonely.
Then, as if the heavens opened up and sprinkled golden stars on the telephone that hasn't rung in months - it rings. It's him. Of course he can come over. He does, and he is pouring his heart out to you, reciting a multitude of past "sins" and apologies. He showers you with accolades of how much you have meant to him, and how totally empty and uneventful life has been without you. You are the only one he's been able to think about ever since the two of you parted ways.
You listen and find your heart overflowing with love. You leave behind all the pain and resentment you felt when you were unceremoniously dropped and your heart was tossed in front of a semi truck. Caught up in the romantic moment, you lose all memory of him dancing merrily off into the sunset with the creature he met at a bar a few months ago. You want to believe what is being said is true. You need to believe that you are the one that made the difference in his life, and that you are the one that is the brilliant star that makes his life complete.
The lines are cast … and yes, you take the bait. And once again, you don't hear from him. You call, but there are no return calls. Nothing happens. No magical nights as promised. No better "boyfriend" after all.
What happened?
You made it too easy for him to waltz back into your life. To him, it was just a check to ensure that you are still pining away for the relationship – or, in other words – you are "Plan B."
How do you avoid being "Plan B"? It's not easy, but here are a few tips:
- Do not dwell on how great the relationship was. (It did break up for a reason.)
- Do not sit alone by the phone hoping that it will ring.
- Find some powerful music and listen to it! ("I Can Do Better" is a great start.)
- Release the resentment, and be grateful that you were dumped. It gives you the opportunity to find someone better.
- Allow yourself a brief mourning period. Suffering a loss of any kind deserves a period of mourning. If he cheated, it shouldn't take very long.
- The first time he comes around and wants to get back together, do not cave in to his litany extolling your virtues – listen, but tell him you'll think about it.
- The second time he comes around, let him know you're still considering it.
- The third time he comes around, tell him you'll discuss it with your current significant other (who could be anyone – your dog can always be your significant other.)
- The fourth time he comes around, let him know that you need to actually see the behavior changes. Talk is cheap. Using promises of this or that just isn't going to cut it.
- The fifth time he comes around, tell him you will go to dinner and see how that goes. Hopefully you will have gotten over the "ex" by the 5th time, and refuse to do anything with him.
The whole point is simple. If you do not want to be a "Plan B," you must alter your attitude to be "Plan A" … and this means that you force your ex to work for you! If you hold a "Plan A" frame of mind, you will get the respect that "Plan A"s deserve. And here's a big hint: when you have that "Plan A" attitude, you will attract someone who respects you – and chances are your ex will remain an ex.
Start today: Be the "Plan A"!
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Published: September 23, 2009 |
